The NotSoGreat Yu Gi Oh Satire
by moombamel
Summary: The passengers aboard 'The Sakka' are dropping like flies, throwing our heroes into a Yu-Gi-Oh 'Who Done It'. Things are not always as they seem...Mild yaoi and yuri.


Disclaimer: Yes, I own Yu-Gi-Oh. My name is Kazuki Takahashi, but no lousy American must know that I am actually an avid fan of yaoi! Why do you think I created a manga chock-full o' Bishounen? Therefore, I have disguised myself as an unassuming writer on this 'Fanfiction.Net' and written my very own fanfic! How ingenious I am…HYO-HYO-HYO!

Ahem. No, I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, nor will I ever. The rights belong to Kazuki Takahashi and whatever network syndicated it. I also do not own 'Don't Stop Me Now' by Freddie Mercury. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this, now would I? Genius.

WARNING! This fic makes fun of everyone and everything. And by everything, I make fun of you and your bad fics too! Don't look at me like that. I *know* you've probably got that Tentacle/Kuriboh/Mokuba fic opened in another window right now, you sicko. You make the world a crappy place to live. Your fanfics burn my eyes and ears!

Also, don't sue. I own nothing. And I mean **nothing**. In fact, even my computer is made out of twigs and a beaver, and it's powered by Canadian Fireflies. So unless you want a Beaver…

Well, here's my story. My very first fanfic, mind you, so comments, suggestions, and flames are all welcome. But I'll probably flame you back. Because I'm *that* temperamental.

For All Those Dubbies (Not Dubya, Mind You…But I'm a Dubbie too, so hit me if I mess up)

Mazaki Anzu- Tea Gardner (How do you get 'Tea' from Anzu? Why don't you just call her Angel? Dumbass Dubbers…)

Jounouchi Katsuya- Joey Wheeler

Jounouchi Shizuka- Serenity Wheeler

Kujaku Mai- Mai Valentine (I'd like to meet this Valentine family. I assume they all must be rather hot. Mai Valentine, Faye Valentine [Cowboy Bebop], Jill Valentine [Resident Evil], Vincent Valentine [The Best Damn Game Ever, Final Fantasy VII]…)

Hiroto Honda- Tristan Taylor (I'm not even going to go into this one.)

Ryuuji Otogi- Duke Devlin (…)

Isis Ishtar- Ishizu Ishtar

Dinosaur Ryuuzaki- Rex Raptor

Insector Haga- Weevil Underwood (Who names their kid that? It's like predetermining their lives…You look like a bug, so I'll name you one! Such cruel, cruel parents…)

Pandora- Arkana

Rare Hunter- Dude w/ Exodia Cards

Strings- Goth Mime (Now _that's_ something I'd like to see…'I'm in a Box…or are _you_ in a box???')

Rishid- Odion (WTF?!?!)

Er…I think that's about it. Card names will remain the same, because I'm a geek.

**Prologue- In Other Words, How I Came to Write this Poor Excuse for a Fanfic**

It all started on a regular day in the small town of Anywhere, the sun shining brightly in the crystal clear sky. There were no winds during this day, the trees rustled only by the occasional zephyr. It was not a day to be indoors.

And yet, here sat Mel, bored as hell, sitting in front of a computer screen, neglecting her homework. She was a prisoner in her own home.

"Life sux0rzed!!!11"

As Mel browsed through her e-mail to numerous websites and back to her e-mail, she sank deeper and deeper into the alligator-filled pit of boredom. It was a wonder why it had alligators, for alligators were interesting and certainly not boring. The universe was most certainly a funny thing.

"Hm? What's this? Fanfiction.Net? Mm…it's worth a shot," Mel yawned, having accidentally clicked on the 'History' option on the toolbar. Her sister was always on FF.Net, undoubtedly writing copious amounts of tentacle yaoi. Mel didn't _know_ what that was. I mean, what the hell was a tentacle?

Without knowing any better, Mel clicked on the link and began her journey into the world of Fanfiction, her homework all but forgotten on the floor.

"…This! This is…!!!"

Mel stared at the computer screen, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. She sat petrified for a few seconds before finally clicking on the mouse.

"Every single word…is spelled WRONG!! The horror! The horror!!"

As Mel ventured deeper and deeper through the electronic tomes of this creature called 'Fanfiction', her mood did not improve. She had entered a particularly bad category, one filled to the brim with Mary Sue's and awful grammar (gramer, as some called it).

She had entered into the world of Yu-Gi-Oh…and there was no turning back.

(Aw, man, a self-insertion…how low can I go? Very.)

Chapter One: What the hell is going on?!

Yugi sighed slightly, resting his delicate frame against the railing of the renowned cruise ship, _The Sakka_. The cold air from the icy seas stung his face, blowing a mist of brine and salt into his perfect hair. He shook his head, not even knowing what he was doing here.

A strange feeling had been eating away at Yugi since he wound up on this cruise ship, settling within the pit of his stomach and burning at him from the inside. For some odd reason, he had the feeling that something was simply…amiss. But he could not quite put his finger on what. He felt horrendously depressed all day, despite the fact that every single person he knew was on board the said ship. He also could not seem to remember why or how he got here. Everything just felt…out of place.

Especially since people who were previously banished to the Shadow Realm or died…were here right now. It was the strangest thing, but for some reason, he felt as if he had to accept their presence without question. It was the weirdest situation when someone whose death you witnessed asks you to pass the hoer d'oeuvres.

A very distinct scent in the air tickled the young duelist's nose, irritating him slightly. Though he tried his very best to repress it, he could not stifle the oncoming sneeze in time.

"Heh…heh…heperiburufun!" the young boy sneezed quietly, though it caused everyone around him to redirect their attention on the small boy. He sniffled and shifted uncomfortably, his muscle becoming tense under the gaze of the crowd. An eternity passed before the passengers returned to their previous activities. However, the strange smell had not vanished from the crisp sea air. It seemed to devour the boat on all sides, smothering them with slightly putrid vapours.

Something is rotten on the decks of _The Sakka_.

There was no doubt in Yugi's mind now; the strange smell, the presence of everyone he'd ever met since he finished the Sennen Puzzle, the lack of knowledge of why or how he came to be upon this ship…

"Yugi."

A stern, familiar voice reached out from the mass of lounging people, very distinct in its tone. The voice snapped small Yugi out of his reverie, bringing him back down to earth, or at least the boat. He shook such ridiculous thoughts out of his head and turned around to face the owner of the voice.

"Yes, Yami?" Yugi answered quietly as his taller and much more intimidating counterpart approached him. Yami's face was grim, his lips naught more than a thin line. His keen, hawk-like eyes kept focused on a point in the middle of the sea, even as he slowly took his place beside Yugi.

"Do you get the feeling that…something is amiss?" Yami asked, turning around and leaning against the white railing. Yugi blinked, Yami's figure in the light of the moon startling him, as well as the question. Then again, the two always shared a rapport when it came to such thoughts.

"Yes…I sense it too…heh…ha-choo!"

"You better not stay out so long, you'll catch your death of cold!" another familiar voice called, this one more feminine and also quite distinct. Kujaku Mai and Mazaki Anzu approached the two, the latter smiling as always and the former wearing her trademark smirk. The two young men acknowledged their presence with slight nods of their head.

"Hey, you two. What brings you away from the festivities?"

"Well, I wasn't feeling well inside, so I decided to get some fresh air," Anzu explained, conforming with the other two and leaning against the bars that separated them from the icy waters of the ocean. "And…" she held up a manila envelope, but Mai cut her off mid-sentence.

"Plus this ship smells like something crawled onto the deck and died," Mai breathed an exasperated sigh, and then rolled her eyes. "Or maybe it's just Kaiba."

"I heard that," said a certain CEO, a voice icier than the very sea making his presence known to all. His straight posture and strong tone seemed to give him an air of total dominance, compelling attention wherever he went. His smaller, much less intimidating brother trailed a little behind, jogging to keep up with the elder Kaiba's long strides.

"Hey you guys! I didn't know you were here, too!" Mokuba laughed, greeting the four with a big wave and an equally big grin. "Then again, it seems like everyone's here!"

"How convenient…to have every single Duelist and person we've met all gathered in a single spot," Kaiba Seto announced grimly, his cold eyes remaining as stony as his face. "I smell a plot."

"Well, you're smelling _something_ all right," came the voice of a certain blonde boy that had caught Seto's eye from the day they met. Jounouchi arrived at this very spot as well, with Honda, Otogi, Ryou, and Bakura not trailing far behind. Jounouchi, as expected, was carrying huge dishes of food he pilfered from the refreshment tables.

"…Why are we all here at the same time?" Yugi questioned, seemingly the only one finding all his friends, and enemies, gathered in one place at once. In response to the question, every person in the group produced a small manila envelope with a red seal of wax on it.

"The Starboard Side Café, near the railing," Honda announced, holding up his envelope. "An invitation, right?"

Yugi frowned, creasing his eyebrows and searching his own robes for evidence of an invitation. Sure enough, where nothing had been before, a manila envelope now sat tucked away. He broke the wax seal with his finger and carefully read the contents.

"'The Owner and Host of this Event proudly invites you on a two month long Mystery Cruise on the famous Luxury Liner, _The Sakka_. Everyone who has received a personal invitation is expected to meet at the Starboard Side Café near the railing at 10 PM sharp for further instructions. Enclosed is a map of the boat, along with a list of the other Passengers. After each Event, please report to the Meeting Place,'" Yugi read, after pulling the contents out of the envelope.

"Mystery Cruise, huh? I wonder what this 'Host' has in store for us…" Bakura said bleakly, but then again, Bakura was always dismal.

"I guess this place must be one big Duel Monsters Tournament or something," Jou reasoned with a shrug.

_AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! _

A bloodcurdling scream resounded through the air, chilling everyone to the very bone. The group whirled around, searching for the source of the banshee-like cry. The aura of danger immediately went into the air, causing the passengers to be thrown into complete and utter panic. Despite the chaos, the group of 'Players' remained calm, even as Yami and Yugi began sprinting down to the Cabin Decks.

"Come on! We have to find out what happened!" Anzu urged, causing the entire group to follow Yami without question. A whole crowd of people were behind them as well, searching for the source of the scream of fright. As they came to the hallway where the noise echoed from, the head of the group skidded to a dead halt.

"Uh…Jou? I don't think this is a Duel Monsters Tournament…"

Dinosaur Ryuusaki lay as a crumpled heap on the floor between his room and the hall, a puddle of red blood slowly seeping into the carpet around him. Right next to his body there was a blood soaked BeXBoy* magazine, a very curious piece of evidence indeed. Anzu gasped and averted her gaze, as did Mokuba.

*BeXBoy- A Yaoi Magazine 

"…He screamed like a girl…but I guess that'll explain what he's doing with a BeXBoy Magazine," Mai joked in a futile attempt to lighten the atmosphere. She looked into Ryuuzaki's room and furrowed her brow a little. "Um, hey, I think you guys better see this."

Yami looked into the room and immediately sucked in a breath. The rest of the group gathered around, pondering what was within the room. There, on the opposite wall, was a message engraved with a bloody instrument.

"'One down'," Ryou said quietly, reading the messily carved words that still dripped a bit of blood.

"I have to admit, I like this guy's style," Bakura smirked, looking from the mangled body to the bloody message. The moment was disturbed, however, by an electronic beeping.

_"Please report to your Meeting Places immediately." _

Unwilling to go anywhere alone, the mass of people steadily moved together, whipping out their maps in an attempt to find their own Rooms. The aforementioned group, consisting of everyone from Anzu to Yami, headed to their own meeting place.

"Well, that sure was something," Jou commented as he plopped down on the couches arranged for the group. "I'm sure the Host paid a whole heck of a lot to have Ryuuzaki pretend to be dead!"

"Um…Jou…I think Ryuuzaki is actually dead," Honda informed his blonde friend, who wrinkled his brow.

"Say what?! No way! This has gotta be a part of the game!"

"Yes and no," came a mysterious voice from behind the group. Isis stood in the doorway, a large envelope in her hands hand. She made her way to the front of the room and gestured for everyone to take a seat.

"Welcome, Characters, to the Mystery of the Sakka. I will be your Guide throughout this journey," Isis informed them, pausing momentarily to say to herself, "Why don't _I_ ever get any cool parts? I'm always stuck with these lame-o roles!"

"Maybe it's because you're always, 'Oh, Yami, you must save the future by stopping my brother Marik! Oh, Yami, I can't give an Egyptian God Card to _you_, I'm going to give it to Kaiba instead, even though it'll inflate his ego so you have to have a constant superiority struggle with him. Oh, Yami, you can't let anyone beat you, not even Kaiba, whom I gave a God Card to…Oh, Yami, you must fulfill your destiny, but I can't tell you your destiny, no no no, I'm going to make things hard for you until you rip your hair out and die of absolute frustration…'" Yami muttered, folding his arms across his thin chest and narrowing his eyes at the Egyptian prophet.

"You didn't have to put it _that_ way," Isis sniffled, clearly hurt by Yami's insensitive and uncharacteristic remarks. "But anyway…I'm going to explain to you the Rules of the Game. Basically…stay alive. And that's about it."

"You suck! Get off the stage!" Bakura hollered in frustration.

"Fine, fine, I'll give you the long boring version…I always do…" muttered Isis resentfully, opening her envelope. "Even though this seems to be a game, you all know that games can get terribly…real…"

"A game? Hah…I'm the King of Games, so this should be cake!"

"No, I'm the King of Games!"

"No, I am!"

"You fool! I am!"

"What are you talking about?! I am!"

"Okay, you know what? SHUT UP! _No_ one wants to hear this crap any longer, okay?! I am _so_ sick and tired of every single episode being, 'I'm the King of Games! No I am, you fool! Let's Duel! I use this and Blah blah blah, so you're doomed no matter what you do! No, but you forget this rule and this special thing, so _I_ win! Noooo!'" Honda snapped rather uncharacteristically, his brow twitching as a vein emerged.

"So, so sorry…"

"We'll be good, honest…"

"Psst…hey, Kaiba…you think Hiroto's the murderer?" whispered Bakura, eyeing the young man who had just succeeded in executing a rather violent outburst.

"Uh…better not say anything. He might get _really_ mad…"

"AHEM!" Isis cleared her throat loudly, causing everyone to jump several inches off the floor. "If I may continue…"

"Jeez, and I thought _I_ had bad PMS…" Mai commented with a shrug. Anzu tapped the blonde woman on the shoulder.

"Um…Mai?" Anzu informed Mai meekly as she pointed to a certain irate Egyptian prophet behind Mai, holding what looked like a butcher knife.

"If I don't see it, maybe it'll go away…" Mai gulped, her voice unusually high pitched, making her sound not unlike a prepubescent boy.

"Unless you want to make it _two_ murders on this boat…I _suggest_ you be silent until I'm done!" Isis growled, hovering the knife dangerously close to Mai's head.

"I'll be good…" Mai laughed, waving her hand off casually. Isis, satisfied with this answer, resumed her position in the front of the room. "Guess psychosis must really run in the family…" Mai snorted before throwing herself onto the floor in order to dodge the flying butcher knife.

"Never mind. Isis is the murderer," Bakura winced, pulling the butcher knife out of the couch, which turned out to be a rather difficult task, seeing as how it was imbedded in the cushion quite deeply.

"Not _yet_, anyway," Isis stated firmly, glaring at the only blonde woman in the room, since Jou didn't really count even if he did flirt with Seto.

"Sorry hon, but you don't scare me!" Mai challenged defiantly, picking herself up off the floor and straightening her clothes out. "Your _knives_ scare me…"

"Enough with the cat fight already! Though I suppose I wouldn't be saying that if you two were, you know, mud wrestling…hah! That _has_ to prove I'm straight! Or am I…? I'm confused…" Jou stuttered, holding his head as if in great pain. He took one look at Seto and then let out a sigh. "Definitely confused."

_"Hah hah hah! I *am* that sexy!"_ Seto smirked, which of course went unnoticed, since Seto was always smirking. Constantly. Nonstop. Like, 24/7 smirks. Like some sort of smirking 7/11, if they only sold smirks and their motto was, 'Service with a Smirk' and…well, you get the point.

"_Anyways_…" Isis declared loudly, once again commanding total attention, except for Jou, who was probably fantasizing about Seto, and Seto, who was fantasizing about…well, how sexy he was. With his smirk. "Another point to this game; In order to win it, you must find out who the murderer is before every passenger on the boat is dead."

"Well, _that's_ a given," Mai muttered before dodging the shoe that was thrown her way.

"This should be rather simple. It's a classic 'Who Done It' game," Yami stated coolly, pulling out the list of all the passengers on the boat. "And we already have every suspect listed here."

"And using my super-sexy genius skills, we should be able to figure out who is most probable to kill Dinosaur Ryuuzaki…" Seto smirked, tossing his head so that his chestnut-brown bangs flew out of his eyes and landed perfectly in their rightful places.

"Or we could just _look_ at the sheet," Ryou offered with a slight frown. He pointed to a single name, and it didn't take Kaiba Seto to figure out whom he had gestured to. "Marik Ishtar."

"…Did Kaiba just say, 'super-sexy genius'?" Otogi questioned with a wrinkled nose and furrowed brow, his finger twirling through the loose strand of hair beside his ear.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who invited the psycho?!" Jou demanded, snatching his own list and reading it. "Marik's on the boat all right…and he's probably using that knife of his, too."

"You know, you shouldn't jump to conclusions…" Isis began, but Mai cut her off, per usual.

"Let's string him up!" Mai shouted, further inducing Mob Psychology by producing a long cord of rope from Hammerspace™. "I'm sick of him being the cause of every single problem! Him and Pegasus! And the Big Five! And Noa! And whatever!"

"Yeah!" was the chorus of cheers as everyone else in the room produced sharp torches and flaming pitchforks. I mean, sharp pitchforks and flaming torches. Um…no, it was better the other way.

"Hey, Jou…now you're not the only thing flaming in the room!" Honda laughed, patting his blonde friend hard in the back.

"Say what?! I'm not flaming! I'm not! I'm straight, I swear!" Jou shouted angrily, clenching a tight fist and barking at Honda, who merely laughed and shrugged it off.

"Let's be an angry mob! Drag him out! Beat him with our sharp torches!" Mokuba cackled, wielding a very large torch in one hand and a pitchfork in the other.

See folks, this is the product of a violent TV generation.

"Well, International Waters say anything goes…" Bakura laughed, his eyes narrowing and breaking into a grin that showed every single one of his teeth. "So let's get that guy!"

"Yeah!"

"Gee…you think these guys are pissed because of Battle City?" Anzu asked, watching as a good number of the people in the room stormed off with the said weapons.

"No…really?" Otogi sighed, shrugging coolly. "When in Rome…String him up!"

Commercial Break (There will be one of these every chapter)

Pandora comes out onto the stage, clearing his throat and showcasing his very big and poofy pants.

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"But are they comfortable? Will they conceal my flab so that it will be unnoticeable for the ladies?" asked a Random Customer.

"Why yes! Just look at how well these pants hide my figure, and yet are still stylish in every way!" Pandora declared, turning around from all angles to give the man an idea of what they looked like. "Wearing these, you're sure to get those lovely ladies, even if you are hideously disfigured!"

"Um…yes," coughed a random lovely lady. "You're so hot in those hot pants…When do I get paid?"

"Ssh! Later!" Pandora hissed before pushing her out of the way.

"Wow! You're right! Thanks, Pandora!" the Random Customer said happily, strutting off in the store.

"No problem! Come down to Pandora's Big and Circus Today!"

End Commercial Break (Hey, I figure if I can't make you laugh with just the story, I might as well take a few cheap shots…I promise you it'll get better. Honest.)

Meanwhile, in the Unsuspecting Marik's Room…

"I'm burning through the skies, yeah! Two hundred degrees! That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheeeeeeeit!! I'm trav'ling at the speed of liiiiiiiiiight! I wanna make a supersonic man out of you! 

"Don't…stop me now! I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball! Don't…stop me now! If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call! Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)!! Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)!! I don't want to stop at all!! 

"I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars! On a collision course! I am a satellite I'm out of controooooooooooooool!! I am a sex machine ready to reloooooooooooooad!!! Like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh exploooooooooooode!!! Don't stop me, don't stop me, don't stop me!! Hey hey hey! Don't stop me, don't stop me! Ooh ooh ooh (I like it)! Don't stop me, have a good time, good time! Don't stop me, don't stop me! Ooh ooh Alriiiiiiiiight! 

"I'm burning through the skies, yeah! Two hundred degrees! That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheeeeeeeeeeeeit!! I'm trav'ling at the speed of liiiiiiiiiiiiight! I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you! 

"Don't…stop me now! I'm having such a good time! I'm having a ball! Don't stop me now! If you wanna have a good time, just give me a call! Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)! Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)! I don't wanna stop at all!! La la la la laaaa!!! La la la la!!! La la laa laa laa laaa!!! La la laa la la la la la laaa hey!!...." sang Marik, dancing around in his boxers and pretending his hairbrush was a microphone. Occasionally, he would stop in front of the mirror and sing lines to it, then continue bouncing around his suite in a Freddie Mercury style frenzy. 

"Um…that's um…very, very impressive, Master Marik…v-very good," Rishid stumbled, having absolutely zero idea what to say in response to his Master's performance. He clapped politely for fear of his Master suddenly using the hairbrush to impale him for not applauding. 

"You're damn right! I can do the greatest Freddie Mercury impression in the entire world!! This is part of my next ingenious plan…if I can't rule the world as Pharaoh, I will rule it as…the Next Japanese Idol!!! MWAHAHAHAHA! Don't stop me now!!" Marik cackled, throwing his arms in a grand gesture to show how great and magnificent he truly was. 

"Um…Master Marik, you are Egyptian…" 

"Quiet, fool! You want me to get caught?" Marik warned, hushing Rishid up as if there were a hidden camera in his room. Rishid sighed, wondering if Master Marik's sanity was still intact these days. Then again, Marik-sama was never very sane at all… 

Just then, the door to the room flew wide open, causing Marik to shriek like a frightened mouse and pull his blankets over himself. In stormed the angry mob, wielding what looked like…flaming pitchforks and sharp torches? 

"Get back, Master Marik! It's an angry mob!" Rishid declared, getting to his feet and blocking people from advancing any further. 

"Well, no _duh_!" came the irate reply of the white-haired main currently wearing only his boxers, which donned small dancing caricatures of the three Egyptian Gods, and a plain black wife-beater with the word 'Hot' printed on the chest region. "Go away! I'm naked!" 

"Oh, reeeeeally?" Bakura asked with a rather perverted smile, causing Ryou to smack him upside the head. 

"All right, Marik! We know you killed Dinosaur Ryuuzaki, so why don't you just admit it?" Jou demanded, pushing Rishid out of the way and grabbing Marik by his wife-beater. 

"What are you talking about, you fool? And hands off the threads! I got these at the Pharaoh's Boutique! Just because you get your clothes from the thrift store doesn't mean we all do!" Marik snapped back, struggling out of Jounouchi's tight grip. He stood in front of the mob with as much dignity as he could muster in only his underwear, folding his arms over his chest and glaring at each member of the crowd. 

"Say Marik, is _that_ where you keep your Sennen Rod?" snickered Honda, pointing at Marik's very cute boxers. Marik almost turned red from this comment and managed to keep his cool. 

"I knew _somebody_ would make that joke one of these days…" Yugi sighed, shaking his head. "Heh…heperiburufun!" 

This sneeze earned strange looks from all members of the mob, momentarily drawing attention away from the half-naked Marik. During this time, he quickly covered himself with a robe so that he needn't feel so naked in front of the mob's angry eyes. 

"Um…anyway…why don't you just admit that you killed Ryuuzaki? It will save you the pain of us having to beat it out of you…" 

Marik's nostrils flared and his eyes widened slightly, and then narrowed menacingly. "What?! I've done no such thing! I don't even know who that guy is!" 

"As if that's stopped you before…" 

"True, but…I _know_ I haven't killed anyone since I went on this boat, so it wasn't me!" 

"Gee, what other knife-happy passengers could _possibly_ be on the boat?" Mokuba asked sceptically, rolling his eyes for extra emphasis. 

"Yeah! If you didn't do it, who did?" 

"How the hell am _I_ supposed to know? Besides, it's not _my_ problem!" Marik defended with a harrumph, folding his arms over his flat and tanned chest. He took one look at the weapons the mob wielded, especially the ropes and the flaming ropes, now hovering even more closely to his body. "Um…then again, it may just be my problem…H-hey! Innocent until proven guilty!" Marik gulped, seeing as how there were so many of them and only one…two…no, three of him. But he had locked his much meaner counterpart in a safe for being rowdy, so that ruled him out. 

"International Waters say different," Bakura chimed in, his voice mirroring the maliciousness in the grin he wore from ear to ear. He pulled tight a long cord of rope several times in order to emphasise his message. "No rules out here…so you're guilty until proven innocent!"

"Um…I'm in trouble…" Marik gulped, taking a step back as the angry mob begin to close in on him from all sides. He was met by surprise, however, when little Yugi bounded up to the front and shielded Marik from the weapons of the crowd.

"Hey, stop it you guys! For all we know, he could be telling the truth!" Yugi protested, holding his arms to stop the people from advancing on the now vulnerable Marik. Yugi didn't like the feeling of this entire situation. Not only was he the only separation between his friends and one of his greatest enemies, everything seemed to be so out of place. The mystery would simply be too easy if it were indeed Marik…so who else could it be? The very thought unnerved Yugi to the point where he no longer saw friends before, but people capable of murder.

"Your point being…?" Mai asked, failing to see Yugi's need to defend this white-haired scum of the earth. Bakura was bad enough, but Malik and Marik just made the world a living hell. She would know, of all people.

" I won't have you accusing an innocent person! It's just not right!" Yugi declared righteously, still shielding Marik. "So if you want him, take him! But you'll have to get through me, first!"

"Sorry to say this, buddy, but…Marik's not exactly an innocent, if you recall. I mean, he's tried to kill you X many times, become pharaoh X many times, tried to kill numerous others X many times, made innocent people into mind slaves X many times, sent X many souls to the Shadow Realm, killed his own father once, made me a mind slave…" Jounouchi reminded the young Yugi, counting off all of Marik's misdeeds on his fingers.

Note: For this equation to work, 'X' is an inconstant variable that is directly proportional to how bad-ass and sexy Marik is.

"It still doesn't make this right," Yugi stated firmly, showing he was not going to budge an inch until they had firm proof that Marik truly was guilty.

"…Very well, then Yugi. We shall do things your way," Yami said reluctantly, his hard eyes softening as they fell on the small yet courageous boy. He shifted his stern gaze on Marik, where it hardened once more. "Tell us, then, Marik. To spare your life, whether or not you have an alibi!"

"Yes, of course he does!" Rishid protested, leaping back to his feet. "Master Marik was with me the entire time! And I swear on my own life that he is innocent of this crime which you accuse him of!"

"…Well, we can't just take his word for it. Let us keep them both imprisoned until he is proven to be innocent. And if it's true that you are indeed the murderer, Marik…" Seto offered, his eyes narrowing further and his smirk becoming quite malicious. "Then let's just hope that Osiris has mercy on both your souls! …Or Bakura, for that matter," Seto chuckled, eyeing the disappointed Occult Master sulking in the corner of the room.

"That's right. If Marik is the murderer, then you shall both be held accountable," Yami informed the two so that they both understood the consequences. "And Bakura, Jou, Anzu, and Mai will be in charge of what your punishment will be. Fair enough, Yugi?" Yami asked his smaller counterpart to make sure it was okay. Yugi nodded reluctantly, knowing in his mind how cruel punishment from those four could be. It would probably range from a three hour friendship speech to a three hour 'let's try to get those tattoos of theirs off using a rusty cheese grater' session. Either way, no one wanted to be in Rishid or Marik's position right now.

"How do we ensure that Marik isn't the murderer?" Ryou asked with a furrowed brow. He, for one, was frightened of there being another murder, though if it was indeed Marik, he'd probably end up killing Bakura before Ryou. The very thought made the gentle boy shudder violently. He hated to admit it, but Bakura and Ryou did have a 'need' for each other.

"Constant surveillance? Imprisonment? Stringing them up and leaving them out on the docks? Stranding the both of them in the Shadow Realm until another murder?" Bakura suggested with a wiggle of his white, and very sexy, eyebrows.

"Um…how about the Honour System?" Marik suggested hopefully, trying to make himself look as harmless as possible. Of course, being Marik the Bad-Ass, that would prove to be rather difficult.

"Yeah, and the next thing we know you're using one of the lifeboats to make course for Tahiti! No can do, pal!" Honda scoffed with a shake of his head. "Constant surveillance and Imprisonment sound good to me."

"But then I can't do anything fun! What's a cruise if you can't have fun?" Marik pouted angrily, inwardly wanting to try out his voice talents in the Karaoke bar. He *knew* they'd be letting him free after his stunning and brilliant Freddie Mercury impressions.

"By fun, do you mean stabbing random people to death?" Jou asked quickly, hoping to catch Marik off his guard and get him to admit he was the murderer. After all, it had to be Marik. Who else would do such a thing?

"No, and does that ever work?" Marik snapped, clearly annoyed by this blonde fool's disrespectful questions. He was, after all, Marik Ishtar, the Pharaoh and Supreme Ruler of all the world…at least, he was in his head.

"Once, but then again, Honda was never that bright," Jou joked, jerking his thumb in Honda's direction. His tall friend responded with a punch square in the head, causing Jou to whimper and hold his cranium in pain.

"Back to the issue at hand here, guys."

"Right. Sorry."

"A group of five or so people can take turns watching this room and making sure they don't go anywhere or do anything that involves killing. Shifts can be an hour long and then the next group comes. Then we can just keep them under surveillance until they find a way to clear their names, or we find the murderer."

"Well, since this matter's settled, I see no reason to remain here a second longer. My burning pitchfork is all burnt out, and the thought of Rishid in a room where Marik is only in his underwear is simply…well, disgusting," Anzu reminded the group, which gave a collected response of 'yeah' to Anzu's comment.

"Hey! That's not what I was doing! You've got the wrong idea!" Marik protested, growing angry and flushed at the statement.

"Um, yeah, sure, whatever…listen, we really don't have time for the sordid details…angry mobs have places to go, people to string up…so, yeah…"

"But you have the wrong impression! It's not like that!"

"Look, what you do in your personal space is your own business, okay? And unless it's murdering someone on this cruise, then we really don't need to make it our business, either…" was the reply of the group, backing slowly out of the room

"B-but you're mistaken!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Have fun, you two! …But not _too_ much fun…" Jou gagged before closing the door in a hurry. He breathed a sigh of relief once those two had been out of sight. "Phew…that was a close one…I mean gross one…No, I meant close one."

As they large mob began going their separate ways, still in small groups and leaving five behind to watch Marik's Room, not a single person noticed two mysterious figures watching closely…too closely…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N: Hah hah, the plot thickens! Hopefully that amused a few people and made you laugh (haha! This story suX0rzed!!111), or cry (boo hoo hoo, her writing is so bad, I feel awful just reading it…boo hoo hoo…) or made you laugh until you cried (omg, this writing is soooooooooo bad, lmao, lol, rotfl, ;_; poor gurl, she sux0rzed at writing!!!111 omg, omg, omg!!!)

Don't worry; this was only a beginning. The comedy begins much, much later. I swear it gets funnier from hereon out. Hope the beginning wasn't too much of a downer…I don't really like Ryuuzaki anyways.

Cookies to anyone who can figure out what I'm going to satire next! The whole 'two mysterious figures' should be the only clue you need. And no, I don't mean computer cookies.

And don't you forget; Every time you read and don't review, Ra turns several kittens into a couch. That's right. Innocent, baby kittens. Not the litter of demon spawn from Sluggy Freelance, but cute lil kittens. So unless you want it to be 'Goodbye Kitties'… 

R/R. 


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